Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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