God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
