She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
