I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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