I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You can't just leave with hair like that
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
