I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
