Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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