it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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