your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I understand Curling. That high.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
