i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
