The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
