dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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