i wish my penis had a tongue
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
