I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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