I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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