I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
