Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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