When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
