I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
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the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
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why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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