My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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