I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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