I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
