Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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