I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
