Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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