does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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