my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
