Moan for me like Helen Keller
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
