im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
