So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
