Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The power of my boobs compel you
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
