Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
