Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
