I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
