I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
