i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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