you would pick up someone in the library
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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