That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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