My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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