this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
