just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
