opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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