pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
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