I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".