After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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