My first STD was from a foam party
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
