Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
