I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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