I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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