i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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