He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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