Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
