Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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