Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We named our party play list daddy issues
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
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smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
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